I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
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An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of