I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
can’t catch a break
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff