The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
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Breaking news:
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
girls literally only want one thing..
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed