I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]