CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle