Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.