My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
You Might Also Like
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer