One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
You learn something every day
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Breaking news:
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”