Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.