God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
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[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.