My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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Not messing around
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone