Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Every time my phone rings
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.