Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Cat.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
necessity is the mother of invention
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.