[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer