holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
🦝🔥🦝🔥
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
*checks Timeline*…
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.