ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Wednesday
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
A woman drives into a bar.