I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*