Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
My Sentiments Exactly
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Why soy sad?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit