imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
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Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.