Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…