finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded