“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.