most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow