Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.