The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
nature’s most graceful animal
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense