Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Weirdos gonna weird.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no