Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
looks legit
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
The smoothest fall of all time
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too