[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Think I pulled my liver
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank