got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”