14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
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I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I think I’ll stand
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.