Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Y’all ready for this
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.