Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.