Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?