If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.