Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface