Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together