I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants