Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
is this how new cars are made??
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My dating profile:
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,