Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
You Might Also Like
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
choose your fighter
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.