“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work