Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now