*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help