COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
You Might Also Like
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Sign at work today
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.