saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
So the ex texted me
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.