For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”