[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.