My flabber has been gasted.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.