I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
You Might Also Like
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Bro what is this
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Bruh PLEASE
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so