chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision