cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
it’s finally my moment to shine
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Love this one 😂🧟
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Seems a bit forward
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.